MINNEAPOLIMEDIA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL | THE GHOSTS HAVE CALLED AN EMERGENCY MEETING. HUMAN BEINGS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND! 🎃👻

MINNEAPOLIMEDIA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL | THE GHOSTS HAVE CALLED AN EMERGENCY MEETING. HUMAN BEINGS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND! 🎃👻

An Official Halloween Message From MinneapoliMedia to the Entire Planet, Including Those Who Are No Longer With Us but Still Refuse to Mind Their Business.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (October 31, 2026).

Happy Halloween, World!

MinneapoliMedia has received a rather unusual complaint from the supernatural community. According to information reaching our newsroom, ghosts, witches, vampires, zombies, werewolves, and several creatures whose identities remain unclear have called an emergency meeting to discuss what they describe as an increasingly hostile working environment.

Their principal complaint is that human beings have become too frightening to frighten.

The meeting reportedly lasted six hours, although nobody could explain why. The ghosts kept passing through the conference room walls, the vampires refused to attend until sunset, and the zombies spent most of the afternoon arguing over who had eaten the secretary's brain. The secretary, who was still using it, was understandably upset.

By the time the meeting ended, several supernatural organizations were considering retirement, while others were demanding hazard pay.

One ghost described an encounter with a Minneapolis homeowner that left him questioning his entire existence. He entered the house at approximately 2:00 a.m., rattled the windows, slammed three doors, and whispered ominously from the hallway that he had come for the living.

The homeowner, who had worked a double shift and had no interest in entertaining visitors, shouted from his bedroom that anyone not contributing to the mortgage needed to leave immediately.

The ghost attempted to explain that he was an ancient spirit condemned to wander the earth. The homeowner asked whether ancient spirits were exempt from paying utilities.

The ghost left without completing his assignment. He has since requested a transfer to a cemetery, where the residents are reportedly less argumentative.

Another ghost attempted to frighten a woman in Brooklyn Park by appearing at the foot of her bed. She looked at him, asked whether he was the person responsible for the strange noises in her kitchen, and handed him a list of household repairs.

He was last seen floating toward Wisconsin.

The vampires have reported similar difficulties. One approached a man outside a St. Paul apartment building and announced that he had come to suck his blood. The man asked him to take a number because his landlord, insurance company, grocery store, and automobile mechanic had already drained him that week.

When the vampire offered to return another evening, the man asked whether he could bring groceries.

The vampire reportedly gave him twenty dollars and left.

Vampires are also complaining about the growing difficulty of maintaining their traditional appearance. Their pale complexions no longer attract attention in Minnesota, where half the population spends several months of the year looking as though it has just emerged from a basement. Their long black coats are frequently mistaken for ordinary winter clothing, and their habit of avoiding sunlight has made them virtually indistinguishable from people who work overnight shifts.

The werewolves have encountered an entirely different problem. A werewolf transformed during a full moon in Coon Rapids and began howling outside a residential building. Within minutes, someone emerged with a leash, a dog treat, and a plastic bag.

The resident informed him that pets were required to be under control and that the homeowners association had received several complaints about excessive barking.

The werewolf attempted to explain that he was a cursed creature of the night. The resident asked whether his rabies vaccination was current.

He transformed back into a human immediately and has reportedly been attending homeowners association meetings ever since.

Zombies, meanwhile, are concerned that their distinctive appearance has become too common to attract attention.

One zombie was seen walking slowly through a Minnesota neighborhood at 6:30 a.m., dragging one foot and making strange noises. Several residents assumed he was a father who had spent the previous evening assembling a Halloween costume for his child.

The confusion was understandable. The father in question had been awake until 3:00 a.m. attempting to transform a cardboard box, two paper plates, and an old bicycle helmet into a functioning robot. His child rejected the finished costume at breakfast because a classmate had arrived at school wearing something better.

When the zombie approached him, the father handed him a glue gun and asked whether he knew how to attach cardboard wings.

The zombie fled.

Witches are having an equally difficult Halloween. One reportedly landed outside a Minnesota grocery store to purchase ingredients for a traditional potion. After examining the price of eggs, butter, and fresh herbs, she abandoned the potion, returned to her broomstick, and announced that she would be traveling back to the seventeenth century.

Her colleagues reminded her that the seventeenth century had not been particularly welcoming to witches.

She replied that she was willing to take her chances if groceries were cheaper.

The witch also expressed concern about the rising cost of broomstick maintenance, insurance, and parking. She recently received a citation for leaving her broom outside a downtown Minneapolis building. When she informed the parking officer that the broom was her only means of transportation, he suggested she download a parking application.

She turned his citation book into a frog.

Unfortunately, the frog was still able to issue tickets.

Even the Grim Reaper has complained about deteriorating working conditions. During a recent visit to a Minnesota residence, he knocked on the door and solemnly informed the occupant that his time had come.

The homeowner asked whether he was there to discuss the property tax assessment.

When Death explained the purpose of his visit, the man invited him inside, handed him a stack of medical bills, and asked whether he could negotiate with the insurance company first.

The Grim Reaper examined the paperwork, apologized for the inconvenience, and promised to return when the household's financial situation improved.

He has not been back.

The supernatural community is particularly concerned about haunted houses, which have apparently discovered that ordinary American life provides more effective scares than traditional Halloween attractions.

One establishment recently replaced its skeletons, cobwebs, and screaming monsters with a desk, a chair, and an envelope marked PROPERTY TAX ASSESSMENT.

Visitors entered the room, opened the envelope, and began screaming.

The next room contained an estimate for replacing a furnace in January. Several visitors refused to continue.

The final room featured a healthcare insurance representative explaining why a medically necessary procedure had been denied.

Management was forced to close the attraction after complaints that it had become too disturbing for children and adults.

Halloween itself has become a source of considerable distress for parents.

Across Minnesota, mothers and fathers have spent the past several weeks purchasing costumes, locating accessories, organizing school parties, and attempting to understand why a plastic superhero outfit that costs less than twelve dollars to manufacture is being sold for nearly ninety dollars.

The children, having demanded these costumes with the urgency of people negotiating international peace treaties, will wear them for approximately seven minutes before announcing that the masks are uncomfortable.

Parents will then carry the masks, plastic swords, capes, candy buckets, and assorted costume accessories while their children run from house to house collecting chocolate.

Somewhere in the Twin Cities tonight, a father dressed as Batman will be standing on a sidewalk holding three candy bags, two jackets, and a princess crown while his child complains that the neighboring household gave out larger chocolate bars.

He will have spent the afternoon telling everyone that he is Batman.

By 8:30 p.m., he will be begging someone to call him an Uber.

MinneapoliMedia would also like to address the growing problem of homeowners who distribute inappropriate Halloween treats.

We are particularly concerned about individuals who open their doors to excited children and place a toothbrush in each candy bucket.

These children have spent hours walking through neighborhoods in costumes that restrict their vision, mobility, and access to restroom facilities. Their parents have taken approximately 147 photographs, most of which will never be viewed again. Everyone is cold, somebody is crying, and at least one child has lost a shoe.

After all that, handing out a toothbrush is an extraordinary act of provocation.

Halloween is not a dental examination. The children came for candy. If they wanted advice about oral hygiene, they would have visited their dentist, who probably gives out better treats anyway.

The same warning applies to raisins.

There is nothing inherently wrong with raisins. They are perfectly respectable little fruits that have survived a difficult drying process. But a child who knocks on a door dressed as Spider-Man is not seeking a lesson in nutrition. He wants chocolate, and he has approximately forty-five minutes before his mother announces that everybody is going home.

Please respect the arrangement.

There is also the delicate matter of Halloween costumes involving politicians.

MinneapoliMedia respectfully advises against frightening children by appearing at their doors dressed as elected officials promising to fix the economy, eliminate traffic congestion, lower property taxes, and solve every other problem before the next election.

The children may ask how those promises will be funded.

Their parents certainly will.

And nobody wants to spend Halloween standing on a stranger's porch explaining a municipal budget.

Our newsroom has also received inquiries from friends across Africa who would like clarification about the American tradition of dressing as ghosts and visiting neighbors after dark.

We advise considerable cultural awareness.

In some Nigerian neighborhoods, a person who appears outside a bedroom window at midnight wearing a white sheet and making supernatural noises may discover that the homeowner has been waiting many years for precisely this opportunity.

Before the visitor can finish saying "Boo," the homeowner may have assembled three pastors, two prayer warriors, an elderly auntie with anointing oil, and a neighbor who claims to specialize in spiritual emergencies.

By the time everyone finishes shouting "BACK TO SENDER," the unfortunate Halloween enthusiast may have forgotten his own address.

We therefore recommend that international visitors familiarize themselves with local customs before attempting supernatural performances.

As Halloween celebrations continue around the world, MinneapoliMedia encourages everyone to exercise reasonable judgment. Parents should supervise young children, motorists should watch for pedestrians, and households should keep walkways adequately illuminated. Costumes should allow people to see where they are going, particularly when crossing streets or navigating Minnesota sidewalks after dark.

We also ask residents to be considerate toward pets, which have not consented to this annual spectacle and may be understandably alarmed by strangers dressed as giant pumpkins.

The supernatural community has requested one final clarification.

If you hear strange noises in your home tonight, please investigate safely before assuming a ghost is responsible. The noise could be a loose window, an appliance, the heating system, or a family member attempting to locate the Halloween candy you hid in the kitchen.

And if a ghost does appear, please treat him with courtesy. He may have traveled several centuries to frighten you, only to discover that your electricity bill has already completed the assignment.

As for the ghosts, vampires, witches, werewolves, zombies, and other creatures attending their emergency meeting, MinneapoliMedia wishes them every success in resolving their workplace grievances.

Their representatives are reportedly requesting better working hours, improved public cooperation, and a formal agreement prohibiting homeowners from asking supernatural visitors to contribute to rent.

Negotiations remain difficult.

One ghost has already walked out of the meeting, although witnesses say he passed directly through the door without opening it.

A vampire has requested that all future meetings be held after sunset.

The zombies are still searching for the secretary's brain.

And the Grim Reaper has announced that he will no longer visit anyone carrying an unpaid hospital bill.

Meanwhile, human beings will continue doing what they do best: worrying about money, arguing in group chats, complaining about traffic, buying things they do not need, and frightening themselves by checking their bank balances.

The monsters have concluded that competing with all this would be a waste of everyone's time.

Their emergency meeting has therefore been adjourned until further notice.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM ALL OF US AT MINNEAPOLIMEDIA!

May your evening be filled with laughter, good company, generous neighbors, and enough candy to make the children happy without requiring an emergency appointment with the dentist.

May everyone return home safely, and may no parent discover at midnight that the school expects thirty-six individually wrapped cupcakes on Monday morning.

And to anyone planning to distribute raisins tonight, there is still time to reconsider.

The children have suffered enough.

MinneapoliMedia. Reporting on the living, keeping an eye on the powerful, and reminding the dead that they still need permission to enter private property.

#Minneapolimedia #HappyHalloween2026 #HalloweenHumor #Minnesota #TwinCities #CoonRapids #ThisWeekendInTheTwinCities™

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